beautiful

I've been so busy looking around that I almost missed it.

I've looked at my own problems for so long that scale-like things have slowly formed across my eyes. And just when I could barely see out of myself, something happened.

This could be a sweet story about a dazzling, almost blinding bright light that shone in my darkness. Or about a huge thunderstorm that spoke loudly to the depths of my soul. The story could be aobut a song, or a conversation, or a vision. But it's not.

The 'something' that happened was just a small flicker of light somewhere inside of me. I realized how much I've been squandering this gift of life. I ahve been looking around my own little bubble with the sadness and hopelessness and it has obscured my vision. There have been days when I've felt like my life has turned to dust. I've been so troubled and annoyed by my circumstances that I've almost missed out on something so beautiful. There is so much goodness right in front of me. And I almost missed it.

I always thought I knew how to celebrate. But then I read the inspiration for this blog, a book called "Cold Tangerines" by Shauna Niequist. She talks a lot about celebration. And her words are much better than mine.

"Celebration when you think you're calling the shots? Easy. Celebration when your plan is working? Anyone can do that. But when you realize that the story of your life could be told a thousand different ways, that you could tell it over and over as a tragedy, but you choose to call it an epic, that's when you start to learn what celebration is. When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that's celebration." (pg. 178)

Last night, I decided some of the these things I've been calling curses may actually be blessings. And some of these things may actually be curses, but I am going to choose to bring a blessing from this. Because that's the story of God...water from a stone, healing from wounds, wine from water, life from a tomb.

I think this season of my life is hard. And it's not always beautiful. But I have been so busy focusing on that, that I almost missed the goodness. Weddings, baseball, birthdays, old friends, taste buds, backyard parties, bike rides, lobster, dances, registered nurse license, fishing, family. I smile today, because I am alive. I celebrate, even though my circumstances are the same. I rejoice in a God who is teaching me to see the goodness right in front of me. I'm calling this season beautiful because God is in the midst of it. In the darkness of uncertainty, God meets me, and He is beautiful.

lately...

Usually, I eat my reeses peanut butter cup by first eating the chocolate off the sides, then the top, and then the bottom. Then, and only then, I eat the delicious peanut buttery center.
But not lately...
Lately, I take 3 bites and the reeses peanut butter cup is gone.

Usually, I watch Dan in Real Life a couple times a week as I'm cleaning, napping, scrapbooking, or blogging. Usually I quote every line and laugh at the many funny parts.
But not lately...
Lately, Dan in Real Life hasn't left my basket of DVDs. In fact, it's been over a month since I last watched it.

Usually, I read...a lot. On any given day, I can begin talking on a whim about the latest chapter out of one of the several books I'm currently reading.
But not lately...
Lately, I have stared at my stack of books, untouched in the last few weeks.

Lately is a word that explains the recent past. It suggests reflection and comparison. And as I reflect and compare my plans, dreams, habits, and expectations with reality...I'm left making a face resembling a 2 year old pouting. Lately, I've been in a funk. Things are not as I hoped they would be. And every day presents the choice to praise God or wallow in self-pity. This season of my life is pruning and refining me and it's painful and uncomfortable. With lots of questions and lots of silence, I keep coming to God. Because no matter what I say to Him, no matter how honest I am, He loves me and gives me more grace. His ego is not hurt by my questions, nor is He offended by my honesty.

There's a song I keep singing in my head called "No Matter What" by Kerrie Roberts. The lyrics resonate in my soul...may you be blessed by them. May you claim these truths for your life. May the Lord remind You of His unfailing love and His steadfastness in the midst of uncertainty.

"I'm running back to Your promises one more time
Lord that's all I can hold on to
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise
But nothing surprises You

Before a heartache can ever touch my life
It has to go through Your hands
And even though I keep asking why
I keep asking why

No matter what, I'm gonna love You
No matter what, I'm gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not, I trust You
No matter what, no matter what

When I'm stuck and there's nothing else by myself
I'm just sitting in silence
There's no way I can make it without Your help
I won't even try it

I know You have reasons for everything
So I will keep believing
Whatever I might be feeling, God, You are my hope
And You will be my strength

Anything I don't have You can give it to me
But it's okay if You don't, I'm not here for those things
The touch of Your love is enough on its own
No matter what I still love You and I'm gonna need You"